Breaking The Habit
by cold-night09
Summary: Rated for some language, nothing bad I just don't wanna get reported. These are Darren's thoughts after saving Steve and running away from Mr. Crepsley. Features Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit."


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Darren Shan or any of the characters from the saga, I also don't own Linkin Park's Song "Breaking the Habit."  
  
I hope you enjoy the fic... it's a song fic...  
  
Basic Summary: This story/song thing is Darren's thoughts in book one "Cirque du Freak"... when he becomes vampire and he has to do things he doesn't want to. These are his thoughts after saving Steve and running away from Mr. Crepsley.

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Breaking the Habit:  
  
I couldn't have become a half vampire.  
  
There's no such thing, but that doesn't explain what happened, I felt the pain struck to my heart, when that Mr. Crepsley, dude, sucked blood outta my fingers. I felt the pain when he pricked my fingers, and I saw him lick my wounds and make them heal, that wasn't fake. Even if it was all a deep ploy to make me look like a fool, I feel stronger and faster, and thirsty for blood.  
  
I don't know what he did, but it was real. I can't believe he was a vampire, even though I saw him suck blood from Steve's neck. Maybe he is one, but he didn't suck blood from my neck, like he's supposed to. Maybe I'm slowly dying... oh well my life for Steve's, fair trade, but still I'm scared.  
  
_/ Memories consume, Like opening the wound/_  
  
I feel like I'm losing everything, I don't know what's happening to me. I can see everything, yet it's dark. Maybe if I just stay in my room everything will be alright.  
  
_/You all assume, I'm safe here in my room, Unless I try to start again/_  
  
I can't leave, but I have to. I can't tell my parents I'm a vampire, they won't believe me. Especially if I tell them I'm only half. I hardly even believe it myself. And now that I'm vampire, what's gonna become of me? I don't even know what's happening to me... now Steve's gonna be mad, because I became a vampire instead of him, it has to be my secret. Steve had "bad blood" though... I wonder what that means... Steve isn't evil, I know he's not. Now I'm going to be battling until I die, against everything. Once I become full blood I'll be battling against, other vampires, the sun, and vampire hunters. Why me?  
  
_/ I don't want to be the one, The battles always choose, cause inside I realize, That I'm the one confused/  
_  
Maybe I shouldn't have helped Steve, maybe I should have just let him die – NO I DON'T MEAN THAT! I mean that, that, I don't want to live this way. I don't want everyone to be after me. Maybe this is all a dream, but there's no use...

_/I don't know what's worth fighting for, Or why I have to scream, I don't know why I instigate, And say what I don't mean/  
_  
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Why me? Why? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Why am I crying?  
  
I felt cold tears running down my face onto my scarred fingers. I'm a half- vampire now, I have to accept that. Yet, I can't. I'm going to school tomorrow; maybe I can change back into a human, maybe I can turn back time. Yeah! Maybe I can! Mr. Crepsley can do lots of things! Maybe he can turn back time; before I stole the spider. Then everything would be okay! But, I don't think that's possible...  
  
_/ I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright/_  
  
I may have to join Mr. Crepsley, like he said I would. But I won't drink blood. I'll take it from other animals, like rabbits. I won't even kill them! I'll drink only a little, instead of drinking the whole corpse dry of blood, like Mr. Crepsley probably always does.  
  
_/ So I'm, Breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit, Tonight/_  
  
I remember recently when I had the cure in my hands for Steve. I agreed to anything Mr. Crepsley said. All I wanted was my best friend Steve back. I didn't want him to be paralyzed and die. I wanted him to live, and be a kid. But I never thought Mr. Crepsley would do this to me. Now the pain inside is so great. I don't even know if I can trust myself not to kill someone.  
  
_/Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door, I try to catch my breath again, I hurt much more/  
_  
Maybe one day, when I'm grown, however long that takes, I'll get revenge on Mr. Crepsley. Even though he doesn't seem to be so bad... WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? He is THAT bad... he turned me into a monster without even giving me a choice? What did he want me to do? Let my friend die? I got spun into his web, and now I'm his 'assistant' a kid.  
  
_/I hurt much more, Than anytime before, I had no options left again/  
_  
I may have to visit him and discuss me becoming a human again, I'll explain to him that I didn't understand, maybe he'll listen... MAYBE! I tried to get my hopes up, but all I came up with was tears. I'd have to leave my little sister, Anna, and mom and dad. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't leave them, they love me too much. Maybe I can tell them that I'm a vampire. But that won't work they'll look for me. I don't know what Mr. Crepsley's planning, but whatever it is, it would have to be close to... death. I have to tell them something... make it clear that I'm leaving... going away. Something HUGE!  
  
_/I'll paint it on the walls, cause I'm the one at fault/_

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One day later, after he arrives home from school:  
  
I can't fight my vampire urge. It's too strong for me. I sucked the blood of a human today when they fell playing soccer. I can't fight it, and even if I could; I can't win. I can't fight my tendencies, I can't fight Mr. Crepsley and I can't fight myself. I'm just going to have to accept who I am.  
  
I am Darren Shan, I am a half-vampire.  
  
_/ I'll never fight again, And this is how it ends/_  
  
I resent Mr. Crepsley! I HATE HIM! WHY DID HE MAKE ME THIS WAY? I WAS HAPPY AS A HUMAN, I'M JUST A KID! No, it's my fault. I almost killed Steve, I chose to steal the spider. It's my fault entirely and I can't hide it. I knew it was wrong, and I still went and did it. It was my mistake to even steal Madame Octa, but it was an even bigger mistake to show Steve her. Madame Octa was beautiful, and then when I saw the real her, it was too late for Steve. I'm too stupid to be a vampire, I couldn't even see that she was dangerous. It's my fault and I have to deal with my mistake. I don't know what I've become, but I'm gonna face it head on!  
  
_/I don't know what's worth fighting for, Or why I have to scream, But now I have some clarity, To show you what I mean, I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright/_

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It's kinda short, but a song isn't exactly all that long. It's a good song. You should tune into a local radio station that displays rock. Or if you already have the CD Meteora than you already know what the song is. The song is called "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park. Anyways I'll be seein yeah... please R&R and even flame if you want... I don't really care...  
  
-coldnight09


End file.
